Dad Versus…Christmas Lights (Part I)

Wake up…To a slap in the face. Not an easy slap either. Hard. Try to remember if I am in a dream from my misguided college youth. Look over expecting to see someone from misguided youth. See The Mop instead. Smiling. Shake head. Look at Little Human and Mop. Ask Little Human why the “F” did she slap me? Hard. Except, did not use the “F” word. Little Human advises I am laying on top of her. Which, I am. Fair enough. Am in charge of keeping Little Human alive for half the day while The Machine is working. On a Saturday. Feed Little Human. Get Little Human dressed. Decide to actually take on The Mop today. The Machine bought new de-tangler. I finally have new weaponry in my Mop arsenal. Reach for de-tangler. Mop screams. Start spraying. The Mop dodges and weaves quite effectively. De-tangler everywhere. Sink. Mirror. Floor. Walls. Ceiling. Me. Little Human. Some of it makes it onto The Mop. Good enough. Brush The Mop. De-tangler is no match for The Mop’s magic force field. Brush Mop. Put in clip-things. Put on headband. The Mop semi-cooperates. Success. For once. Me: 1 – Mop: 786.

Called number from one of the signs on the off-ramp from the expressway advertising to hang exterior Christmas lights. Decide this is a great idea. I do not want to hang Christmas lights myself. Guy will be here at 9am. Sharp. Guy arrives. 9am sharp. Shocked.  Contractor dude explains he is from Georgia. Contractor dude must have just fallen off the peach truck from Georgia. Like, on the way here. Georgia’s accent makes Kentucky sound like Boston. For real. Try to comprehend what Georgia is saying. Georgia measures house. Georgia does some figurin’. Georgia quotes $380. Without lights, extension cords, clips, etc. All that would be “extrey.” Look at Georgia. Wolverine is standing next to me for a quote also. Explain to Georgia I wanted this figure to be closer to $100. Or less. Try to explain to Georgia the economics of this negotiation. Try to explain to Georgia I could put out the “Bat Signal” for our cool neighborhood and probably get him 10-30 additional customers if his prices were not absolutely ri-f’ing-diculous. Georgia quotes Wolverine $400. Bye Georgia.

Take Little Human to Sam’s to Christmas light shop. Call The Machine to make sure I purchase what The Machine wants. It has taken five-years of taking stuff back to learn to consult with The Machine first. Purchase 168 feet of LED icicle light pure power brilliance. Purchase extension cords. Purchase adaptors. Purchase shingle clips. Purchase a glowing lit-up Rudolph thing Little Human wants. Purchase half of Sam’s Club. $400+ later, I’m good. Renting a “cherry picker” lift thingamajob tomorrow with some of the neighborhood guys for installation. This should be interesting…

Watch college football rivalry Saturday. Watch my UK Wildcats lose to the dreaded UL Cardinals. The Machine is a UL alumni scholarship athlete and all-conference in pole vaulting. The Machine was a beast. The Machine looked like Helga from the East Ukraine in her heyday. Crazy ripped. The Machine does not even rub-in the loss this time. Four in a row. Why bother? Nice. Run 13.5 miles to take out frustration from loss. 70 degrees. Perfect weather. 101 miles so far for November. The thought of the 50K I have already signed-up for in January makes me want to vomit.

More to come…

About Ty Carver

Director, Talent Acquisition| Raycom| 63 TV Stations| 11X Marathoner| Dad| #Jobs| Opinions are mine
This entry was posted in Blog, Christmas, Christmas Lights, Dads, Fathers, Little Human, Mop, Ty Carver, TyCarver and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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